August 30th 2003 – September 2nd 2003
Dearest Pedro Jose:
Today I would like to write your beautiful story. Maybe it is painful but thanks to my sweet Lord Jesus, I can say that you were a beautiful blessing.
We found out that you were coming to our encounter on January 19th, 2003. We knew you will be a very special son.
That Summer was exhausting, because the heat bothered me in my early pregnancy. I saw with sadness my children, because I couldn't play with them too much.
Your siblings were very happy for your coming, Valeria with 6 years, Mabel with 5 and Juan Diego with 3.
By the fourth month, in May 22nd, 2003, we decided to go for an ultrasound to find out your sex. We were so anxious to see if you were a boy or a girl. In that moment the doctor looked worried at the monitor and I began to feel that something was wrong. I looked at the monitor and I noticed that something was wrong with your head. I noticed it was smaller than normal size.
Gerardo and I began to feel very nervous, so in that moment came two more doctors, and they decided to call for our doctor.
After a very long wait, our Doctor told us that our baby had "anencephaly" and after the delivery you will die.
Our faces filled with astonishment, so Gerardo and I couldn't stand our sorrow and began to cry, but God in his most delicate way asked us for a beautiful mission. You will live just if we let you live, and it was only me who will be the one who will take care of your life. Since we made that reflection we discovered that we had an enormous responsibility.
It was so hard to tell the condition of my pregnancy to our families but it was more sad when some people didn't understand our intentions to continue with the pregnancy. Then, and thanks to the Internet, I found a lot of families that had lived a similar experience than ours. I found in the testimony of Monika Jaquier and her baby Anouk a great hope. I began to feel more confident in myself, and felt the same excitement like in my other three pregnancies ... I was a carrier of a life and I had to be happy and grateful for that. Then, I began to leave out my fear by thinking in you, the one who was my most worry. How will be my baby? Could I see him as he really is? Could my children meet him? Could I be able to love him as I loved my other children?.
It is in that moment that I began to understand the value o life, the value of our own lives, value that after all we find in the inner self of people. The only thing we knew is that you were alive, because we knew we can loose you in any moment.
Thanks to Monika I found a support group next to other moms and I began to exchange a lot of advice and support. I owe them so much. (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Anencephaly_Support).
The fifth and the sixth month were full of joy but at the same time full of worries because you didn't move to much and that scared me too.
The seventh month was so beautiful because you began to grow so much and I began to feel full of joy, but at the same time with so much sorrow. By the end of the seventh month and the beginning of the eight month, Father Jurgen came to our encounter. He gave us so much of his time, and we could count on him in at any moment. I remember when he told me to look after our Blessed Mother, the Virgin Mary as the model to endure my painful sorrow. Like her, I will live the painful sorrow of loosing a son, sorrow that will be joy for the coming resurrection.
We choose the feast of Saint Rose of Lima, August 30th to make the induction of delivery. We wanted to be in the company of Saint Rose, the one who was my most important saint and example in my whole life. The week before the induction she walk along with us in a silent way. My sweet Saint Rose...
I began to feel contractions by 2:00 am of the 30th, and until 8:30am I had not dilated anything. In that morning your heart beats began to drop. That gave me a sign, added to my tiredness, to go for a c-section. By 3:30 pm I was already in the operating room. Our Doctor gave us so much support.
You were born at 4:05 pm, and because Father Jurgen was also in the operating room, you were baptized immediately and we named you Pedro Jose. I could barely see you from the table where I was waiting for my doctor to finished the operation. In spite of your humbleness, and in the middle of a big anguish, you were baptized with all our faith in the Lord Jesus.
In the moment you were baptized I felt a tremendous pain for not having you in my arms but at the same time a great happiness for seeing you coming part of our church. Next to you were your Daddy and next to him your pediatrician, who in his most gentle way received you with great love. Without a doubt he took care of you since then. To him we will be eternally grateful.
Once I was in my room and after a confident waiting with the company of my Mom, and dearest friends, you came to me and I hold you in my arms. I could feel your weak breathing but at the same time your strong desire to live.
You lived for 62 hours. It was three days full of a mix of selflessness, love, and sorrow. I enjoyed you for such limited time but I can say that I had the joy of having you in my arms. Gerardo and I loved you so much, and at the same time your little siblings who came to visit you, and carried you, in the company of your grandparents aunties and uncles.
Although I had a great fear to look at your wound, finally I decided to look at your head uncovered. I felt so sad for seeing you so weak, but you taught me that this was a symbol of your humility. Once more you taught me in a way more important than with words, that our body is not the most important thing in life.
I could see you the way God made you in my womb, as soon as I saw at your wound it did not look awful to me. You were my son, I dressed you up, and I gave myself to you with all my heart.
You died at 6:00am September the 2nd, with the light of the dawn and the singing of the little birds. Your Daddy and I could not see you leave, you were so sweet even in your departure to Heaven. After a night of agony, you left us without seen our flooded eyes. At the end we saw you finally resting in peace. Peace that we could not see in your painful eyes in all the time that God offered us.
We miss you so much my love. Rest in peace my Pedro Jose, so weak ... but at the same time so strong.
I love you so much.....my love,
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