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Please don't hurt me, I am already hurting enough

 

On February 4, 2010, Chrissy's twins Cayden and Carter were born. As she had learned during the pregnancy, Cayden had anencephaly. Chrissy could carry her boys for 35 weeks and had 64 h with Cayden after birth.
In a post of her blog she speaks about the very special journey of carrying twins when one twin is not expected to live after birth:



I have been wanting to write for the past week, but when I start to, it seems as if I have a million thoughts going through my head, but I can't actually put any of it into words.

I am sad tonight as I write...
I miss Cayden....
I know this is nothing new.
My heart is heavy.
I am hurting.

I feel like I have been hurt so much by others along this journey. I wrote a post awhile back about others being so hurtful and since that post, I feel like it happens quite often.
I know one of my biggest strengths and weakness's is that I have a big heart.
I couldn't live with myself if I knew that I hurt someone. I always try to think of everyone's feelings.
When I found out that Cayden had anencephaly, I was deeply hurt by alot of family and close friends comments and remarks. And still to this day, I am being hurt by what others say. I have stopped and thought, they didn't mean that....
or they just weren't thinking what they were saying...
or they just don't understand,
but how many times can I tell myself these things?

I am already hurting inside, why is it that others have to hurt me too?

I remember the day that my Dr told me that we were having twins. It was such a crazy, happy, exciting, scary, day! I had told Ryan not to take off of work to go to the appt with me. In my mind, I was thinking... 3rd child, 1st Dr appt at 8 weeks along, not much is going to happen where he would need to be there.
Boy, was I wrong! The Dr decided to do an ultrasound, which I have never had done with my other 2 kids at my first appt. He was just about done with the ultrasound and then he said, "Wow, wait a minute...we have two babies in here!" I didn't believe him. I thought he was messing with me. I was in shock! When I saw two babies on the screen, I couldn't believe my eyes. The Dr couldn't believe how calm I was. He said in all the years he had been doing this, whenever he had to tell a Mom that she was having twins, it never remained this calm in the room :-0 I think it hadn't settled, but I was also pretty excited. I love babies so much! But then came the dreaded words that are forever stuck in my head....

"As exciting or scary as this is, you have to know, with two babies, this now becomes a high risk pregnancy and the chances of one of them not making it are very high. We are still so early in the game and have to monitor you very closely!"

I was thinking to myself, "did he have to just scare the daylights out of me?" Then he handed me a video of the ultrasound to take home and put in the dvd player and see if Ryan and the kids could figure it out without me telling them.

Well that didn't happen, I was way too excited, I jumped out of the car and they were waiting for me outside. I told them right away. Everyone was so excited. It was such a happy day....

if only it had a happy ending.

I struggled my whole pregnancy with trying to find a way to be happy while having my heart ripped out at the same time.
It was so hard knowing that I was carrying two little boys who were supposed to grow up being the best of friends.

I heard from SO many people, "well, at least you will still get to take a baby home." But that didn't take my pain away, nobody understood.

The Drs always told me, "You have to focus on the baby that is going to live, but I couldn't. They didn't understand either... none of them had ever been through what I was going through.

I often wondered how I was going to be able to take care of a baby after losing a baby.

Looking back, I don't know how I did it some days. I know that God was definitely with us the night Cayden passed away. I can't even put into words how the night went, but God was in my home carrying me through it all and making sure that Carter was cared for while we had our time to say goodbye to Cayden.

It all feels like a dream to me.
How were we blessed with the joy of having twins??
Did I really have a baby that didn't have the top of his head??
How has a year already gone by since I said goodbye to my baby boy??

I am tired of being hurt by other people, but I will pull myself back together and I know that everyday is one day closer to seeing my baby again. I thank God everyday for Ryan and my 3 babies here on Earth with me....they are my everything.

I know my journey is a different one. One that not very many people can relate to or quite understand. I didn't ask for it, it was given to me. But it's Cayden's story. A story that I could tell a million times and smile and cry all at the same time while teliing it.

I miss you Cayden.

 

Last updated March 30, 2011