Lucas Adam Jorgenson

August 9th 2003

In Dec of 2002 my husband and I were the parents of 4 beautiful children. Joe-10, Abby-8, Jake-6 and Pete-4. I had also had a miscarriage before Pete. Both my husband and myself are in our 40's and figured our family was complete. This for us was a miracle as we went through 5 years of infertility before I conceived Joe. I was a stay at home mom who had finally, gratefully returned to work. Pete would be soon starting Kindergarten and I was finally going to get my life back. Everything was going as planned and then I found out I was pregnant. We were shocked and not especially happy about it. The kids though were ecstatic! Abby desperately wanted a sister and had been praying for years. In the coming weeks hubby and I adjusted to the new little person joining our family and joined the kids in their excitement. We arranged for a neighbour to baby-sit so I could continue working. We also wanted to know the sex with this one to be better prepared for him or her.

The middle of March I went in for my AFP. I wasn't going to have this done as I had had a false positive in the past and didn't want to put myself through that again. But I thought what the heck, so I had it done. I was called at work and told the results were abnormal and I would need to have a special ultrasound done. I didn't let myself get worried as I had been through this before. The one difference was that before I just had a regular US done to rule out any anomalies. I realise now that I was in denial big time. I went to the US planning to leave there and go to work. I even told my hubby that this was routine and everything would be fine so he didn't have to come. Good thing he ignored me. The doctor was late with a delivery so the tech started without her. We were so relieved to see our baby moving. The tech pointed out the heart and spine and everything except for the brain. She went to look for the doctor. We stayed in the room talking about all our plans for this child. The doctor walked in and said, "Your baby has anencephaly. The brain never formed."

My world stopped.

I remember asking if this meant our baby could die and she said yes, it would definitely die. I can't even begin to write of the emotions of that day or of the pain.

We had to tell our kids. It was only fair to them to know what was going on. We didn't tell them about having to make a choice on whether to carry to term or terminate. They were crushed and struggled to understand. We informed their teachers. Those teachers were a Godsend through all of this. The kids could talk freely at home and at school about losing their baby.

The decision on whether to carry or termine was a hell no parent should have to go through. I have never believed in abortion but my first thought was, "How can I get out of this?"

I did think about terminating. Who really doesn't in this instance. I think I was in shock and am now glad I took time to think this decision through and did not act immediately.

I asked God for a sign. He literally gave me one. I drove past a church that always has a sign with a daily message. This day it said, Regret looks back, Faith looks up.

I knew then that I had been fooling myself if I thought I could terminate. Only God can decide when a life ends, not me. I felt like I would be killing one of my children. I would not do that to my other kids, why would I do that to this little unborn life? I did not want to look back in regret. I wanted to be able to live the rest of my life without regret. My husband felt the same way.

My pregnancy was hard both emotionally and physically but with each kick from this little life showed me it was worth it. I felt this was the only time I was going to have with this child so I was going to enjoy it as much as possible. I also decided that I could be angry or that I could continually feel sorry for myself but what would it change? If I accepted God's plan for me and my children and presented a calm and accepting face to the world I would honour my child more than if I were an angry mess. Don't get me wrong, there were days I had a hard time even getting out of bed but when I didn't have the strength to go on I prayed and God sent me His strength.

We went to a funeral home and made arrangements. I made a birth plan and spoke to the head nurse at the hospital I was delivering at I was assured that everything we wanted would be honoured. We had so much support from our community, church and school. It was unbelievable. There were hurtful people who didn't understand. There were well meaning people who said hurtful things in their ignorance. There were wonderful people who were there everyday. They still are.

On August 8th I stood up and felt a gush. I didn't have any contractions and was a little shocked as I was only at 36 weeks. The doctor said I had leaked some amniotic fluid and decided to induce. It was not surprising that I sprung a leak as I lost 30 pounds after my water was broke!

Luke was born on August 9th 2003 weighing 4 lbs, 10 oz and 17 inches. He was perfect.

With a cap on he looked like any other baby. He lived for 45 mins and died peacefully in his daddy's arms. At that moment, like all babies, he was worth all the pain and suffering.

We had a family funeral. The kids let off balloons to go to heaven for him and had a great time watching to see whose would get there first. They also each put something special to them in his casket.

It has now been 6 months since he left us. We all still talk about him and look at his pictures. He is part of our family even though he is in another place. He is the one child I will never have to worry about. His life was wonderful. All he ever knew was love. What a great life! Who could ask for anymore than that? He has made a difference in all our lives. I am closer to God than I have ever been and rely on Him for everything. My kids have learned a great lesson in love and faith. Our parish also has been affected in a positive way. I do not live my life thinking "What if". I am proud of what we did but know that I did not do it. God did it. It was His strength and courage that brought us all through.

I now have my own personal angel in heaven who I will meet when I get there. I can't wait!

To whoever reads this that is beginning the journey... I am sorry this happened. The journey is long but with God there is no journey that can't be made successfully. And the journey and your child is well worth it!

God Bless,

Last updated April 30, 2019